Ten things
by DBShaw
Summary: Severus Snape shares the ten things he hates most about Hogwarts. Will write more with different subjects for other characters if people like this one.
1. Snape hates

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Harry Potter, etc etc.

**Ten things I hate about Hogwarts by Severus Snape**

**1 - The students **

Especially Potter. Most of the students that end up in my classroom couldn't tell a hangover draft from a contraceptive potion, which coincidently is the reason why I've had Zabini nearly beating down my office door on more than one occasion in a mad panic. I swear if that boy could learn to just keep it in his pants…

My storeroom gets broken into at least six times a year, despite security measures that would put Gringotts to shame. Potter's behind it, I'm sure of it but Albus simply refuses to take my word for it, as if evidence matters when someone has such a low moral character like Potter.

The students also make Hogsmeade inhabitable on the weekends that Albus sends them out of the castle to get out of our hair. Do I stay behind in my office and risk half a dozen knocks on the door from first years who are missing their mothers or their teddy bears or some other such nonsense or venture into the village when the rabble takes over every inch of the place – neither. I hide in the staff room and mark potions homework, I always carefully compare Granger's to Potter's, if there are more than two similarities I make sure they both get P's and make them redo it.

Miss Granger always looks like she's going to cry. You have to take pleasure in the simple things.

**2 - The Gryffindors **

Especially Potter. The jumped up, reckless, egotistical brats can break every rule at Hogwarts and Albus and Minerva will take it with a good natured smile and pat the little bastards on the head. It makes trying to discipline any of them a truly Sisyphean task since their terrible behaviours and attitudes are rewarded as much as their achievements.

I consider myself to be a true martinet but ever since Potter and his spectacles came along I have been fighting a losing battle. This has forced me to favour my Slytherin students whenever and however I can, Albus really has tied my hands on the subject.

Have I mentioned Granger yet? Never such an insufferable little know-it-all have I ever know. Did it ever occur to the do-gooder that just because Lucius Malfoy kicked _his_ house elf around a little doesn't mean everyone does. If her little crusade for house elf rights ever succeeds I will eat my own pubic hair.

Even the Gryffindor _ghost_ has an attitude problem.

I slip Argus an extra 20 galleons a month to issue them with detention for the most minor of infractions, if only some of the other staff were as easily bribed.

**3 - Marking Homework**

Potter's in particular. Being a teacher is more than having some very generous holiday time, a lot of work goes into making lesson plans and marking the homework from said lessons is nothing short of a pain in the arse.

I have seen every trick in the book, re-writing large sections of the text book with a few words changed, writing in obscenely large lettering, copying an elder siblings previous assignment, copying another students homework – if you can think of it then I have seen it done.

There are some students (mostly of the Gryffindor persuasion) that believe that just because the wizarding world considers them 'the chosen one' it gives them a free pass to not complete their potions essays.

The only two excuses I will accept for failure to do one's homework are comas and death and not necessarily the latter if they had plenty of time before death to do the homework.

**4 - Particular members of the faculty**

Without naming names there are some members of staff at Hogwarts who worship the very air circulating around Potter's oversized head. To hear them speak of him you would believe that Potter was a brave, unselfish, quidditch prodigy with humility and resourcefulness, instead of the childish, arrogant, self-serving, moody adolescent who leeches from more talented friends that he is.

It could be said that Potter has managed to wangle himself from some particularly nasty situations but these said situations could have been competently handled by a fully qualified wizard/witch (one could argue a teacher) had he actually gone to one instead of his single-minded belief that he is the only one who can solve such maladies.

There are some members of the Hogwarts teaching staff who would raise their noses in the air and say in an annoying shrill voice; "Oh Severus, you are simply being too hard on the boy and projecting your dislike for the father onto the child."

Am I bollocks.

**5 - The house point system**

Picture the scene. Your students have worked hard all year, they've earned their house points from homework, good behaviour, following the school rules and making the effort to be the best in the school. Another house is in last place but this happens to be the house that is the favourite of the headmaster and also contains his favourite student.

Just after Slytherin – I mean your house has been announced the leader in points the headmaster announces there are a couple of 'last minute points' to award. He then proceeds to award points to his favourite students for breaking the school rules, putting themselves in unnecessary danger, standing up for themselves and playing chess.

_Chess. _

I jest not.

If I tried to give one of my students _any _points for playing a game of chess they'd haul me in front of the school governors then pack me off to St. Mungo's to make sure my head wasn't infested with brain lice. Maybe if I grew a beard, passed out jelly babies and babbled nonsense during school assemblies they'd let _me_ get away with that kind of blatant favouritism.

**6 - The windows**

I like to work in the dungeons precisely because there are no windows. Windows should be called distraction glass because whenever they are in a room students cannot help but stare out of them. Things which would normally even warrant a passing glance suddenly become the most interesting thing in the world. Squirrels, flowers, dandelion clocks, clouds, bits of rubbish tumbling about the place – if it's outside you can guarantee that students will look at them.

In the dungeons there are no such distractions. If I had it my way I would have every shutter in the castle permanently nailed shut, but do they listen to me in staff meetings?

My aversion to the windows of procrastination has been to attributed to the most ridiculous rumours you could possibly think of in this school. I believe that some of the more spiteful rumours originate from a particular Gryffindor and his friends but I am unable to prove anything at this point.

**7 - The continual refusal to allow me to teach DADA**

I have two words for you; Gilderoy Lockhart. A man who allowed _Cornish pixies_ to outwit him in terms of magical ability. If Albus would simply allow a competent, not socially repugnant nor polyjuice drinking imposter fill the role he could get all of this silly 'the position is cursed' business out of his head.

I'd be willing to bet a year's salary that if Potter asked to teach the class then he'd be allowed.

**8 - Hormones**

This is not unique to Hogwarts as far as I understand, however hormones do present a particular problem in this school and one I find most egregious. I take no pleasure at all in finding teenagers stuffed behind the most obscure things in the castle and awarding them detentions for such behaviour.

I have never felt as violently ill as the day I observed a certain spectacled, git with his tongue halfway down the throat of a red-haired house mate of his. Thinking about that day makes the blood curdle in my veins.

I have lost count of the number of students I have found giving in to their hormone-addled brains in disused classrooms. Come to think of it, Zabini is probably responsible for most of those of those incidents but that boy is a walking paternity scandal waiting to happen.

**9 - Quidditch**

I will admit that it has become more unbearable in recent years since Potter 'The Wonderboy' became a seeker for Gryffindor. I have tried to impress upon Malfoy innumerable times that if he concentrated on trying to catch the snitch instead of exchanging taunts that he would probably fair better but he seems unwilling or unable to follow my advice. I am unsure of which.

To make matters worse the other teams insist that the Slytherins resort to cheating to try and win matches. The idea that a Slytherin would cheat at quidditch is as insulting as it is ridiculous.

Oh how I wish that Madam Hooch would unban the use of spiked bludgers.

**10 - Potter**

I can of ten reasons he should have been expelled from this term alone but I'm not one to belittle a student in a personal manner.

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**Authors notes: **Reader poll; should I leave this as a stand alone or do another characters 'Ten things'? Opinions, suggestions, criticisms are all welcome. Also I'm hoping this doesn't break the 'no lists' rule as it's supposed to be an in character rant/thing I'm sure if I do other characters they would be no where near as ranty as Snape.


	2. Snape likes

**Disclaimer: **It's JKR's sandbox, I am merely playing

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**Ten things I suppose I like by Severus Snape**

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**1 - Madam Malkin's Extra Billowy Robes**

In my tenure at Hogwarts I have found that nothing tends to strike fear in the hearts of first years quite like a set of Extra Billowy Robes. I have several sets in a variety of colours; charcoal, ink, onyx, raven, slate, coal, jet, ebony and of course black.

Delicate charms are woven into the fabric to ensure maximum flappage whilst walking. Because of my personal wardrobe choices some have accused my entrances as 'flouncing,' 'prancing' or 'swaggering.' I maintain that these descriptions are merely the projections of those whose robes do not swish at all.

I have often pondered placing a charm on my classroom so that ominous music sounds out when I enter the room. I think it would be most affective in letting the first years know that I am not one to be trifled with.

**2 - Tea**

Perhaps it is because I may be placing being an Englishman above being a wizard but I personally have never liked the taste of pumpkin. Watching students swill their mouths out with pumpkin juice every morning is nothing short of a tragedy. There is no flavour in the world that can match the taste and texture of a good cup of tea. Morning, noon or night it is the best beverage I can conceive.

The preparation of tea is an art form, it should be brewed in a pot of course (one bag or spoon for each person and one for the pot) but if there is not one to hand then the bag should be placed in a cup before the milk is added. If one is adding sugar it should be placed in the cup before the water so it dissolves straight away and prevents lumps being left in the bottom. Water should be poured to be level with the handle or just below if one prefers milky tea, milk should always be added last if you are using neither china cups or tea pots. Tea bags need to be scalded to get the proper flavour of the tea, so many neglect this important step.

**3 - Words that are fun to say**

Say them with me; transmogrify, glockenspiel, coagulate, plethora, obsequious, floptical, absquatulate, pie, bibcock, ruffles, expiscate, fernticle, miasma, dragoon, rotund, octopod, undulate, permeate, apricot pantaloons, lattice, Tuesday, myopic, aquatic, boing, glottal stop, antiquate, corpuscle, lolly, pizzazz and ensnare.

**4 - Battenburg cake**

Sweet and delicious, everything from the tasty pink and yellow sponge to the marzipan wrapping to the apricot jam holding it all together. There is nothing quite like cutting a large slice of battenburg for your elevenses to go along with your tea. There are other sweet treats which I am fond of; Bakewell tarts, Cabinet pudding, Jam Roly-Poly, Rhubarb pie (with Brid's custard), Syllabub and Eve's pudding but a Battenburg cake takes the biscuit.

I only wish I had taken more time to learn to prepare them myself - culinary magic never interested me much as a child. I am forced during the school term to Madam Puddifoots as the main source of my Battenburg cake. The school house elves cannot get the correct ratio of jam to marzipan and Muggle supermarkets don't send batches of Mr Kiplings by owl no matter how much you try and persuade them it's like carrier pigeon.

**5 - Making the first years cry**

My personal best record is 5 in one lesson. First years are easily intimidated but can be surprisingly mouthy considering that they know absolutely nothing. Never give a first year an inch or they will take a mile, your sanity and any chance you had to teach them anything along with them.

Here's a professional tip for aspiring potions masters, carefully observe which students bring a cat when they initially arrive (kittens are more effective.) Match the cat to the student and then during one of their lessons tell them that the key ingredient is cat and describe the appropriate student's moggy as the one you used for that particular potion. If you can pull an identical collar from the potion pot you can be sure there will be tears following quickly thereafter.

**6 - My Mother**

You can stop your sniggering this instant. Yes, I like my mother, anyone who has a problem with that shall be sent to the dungeons and tortured with burrowing brain leeches until they recant. I have a small portrait of my mother in my chambers, it used to be in my office but she kept trying to cheer up the student I was punishing and she had to be moved.

**7 - Teaching**

Even though it pains me to admit this I do actually get a mild feeling of satisfaction from knowing that the students in my class are leaving Hogwarts with at least some valuable magical knowledge. Some of them may never use it but at least I know they aren't as big idiots as when they started in their first year.

Sure teaching is a very hard job with long hours and a pay packet that's shockingly tiny and I could probably make more money if I opened a potion emporium in Diagon alley and sold home-care remedies to the masses. Yes most of my students hate me and I hate most of them but there is some joy to be found in teaching... What am I saying? I take this one back, I think I need to look into how much it costs to start up a business in Diagon alley.

**8 - The Malfoys**

The Malfoy family are counted amongst my very good friends. I have watched Draco Malfoy grow over the years into a fine young man and possibly one of my best students, although he has a healthy hate of Potter sometimes it could be bordering on obsession which I have tried to discourage. Narcissa Malfoy is a wonderful woman and despite popular rumour I do not know nor have I ever 'fancied' her. (Besides Lucius would have a conniption fit if he ever heard about that.) Her sister is much less agreeable of course but let's face it she is bordering slightly on insane. Lucius Malfoy is a perfect example of a great pureblood wizard, strong, caring, handsome, a philanthropist, a friend to many and an outspoken and well respected citizen of the wizarding world whose upmost concern is it's preservation.

**9 - Winding up Arthur Weasley**

Someone who is obsessed with muggles is an easy target for those with a basic knowledge of the muggle world. I invented a game called 'How much false information can you give Arthur before he starts to doubt you' - I remain crowning champion of this game.

During a meeting of the Order of the Phoenix I once had Arthur completely convinced that muggle airplanes get off the ground by sheer will, the royal mail service uses trained octopods to sort out letters and Hoovers were initially invented as a means of transportation. He believe every word - the fool.

**10 - Making Potter's life a misery**

If I only do one thing everyday it is to make sure that Potter is certainly not enjoying his.

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**Authors notes:**

Special thanks goes to Slytherin66 for the billowy robes suggestion. Thanks to TheWindisBlack601, palforpolkadots and SShappiness for the feedback. Harry next?


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